Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Truthful Tuesday

So I have been watching Addicted to Food on the OWN channel and it has really made me think about food addictions.  For the longest time I never thought of my weight as a result of a food addiction, but now I realize it is.  Last week's episode showed one woman who was actaully having withdrawal symptoms from detoxing from unhealthy foods.  I was shocked!  I have never heard of withdrawal from food.  The woman threw up, had a headache and was irritable.  I am sure I have been in her shoes!  I hate thinking about my weight challenges as an addiction and disease, even though deep down, I know it is. 

All these weight loss shows I watch and the books I read say that there is some deeper issue that will explain why you are addicted to food and cant control your weight.  A lot of people have been abused or had a traumitizing childhood.  My childhood was fine and I can't think of anything that I am trying to mask with food and weight.  My mom has told me that when I was little she would yell at me, and she says it was to the point of abuse.  She cries and apologizes, but the truth of the matter is, I don't remember any of that.  This is the only thing about my childhood that wasn't "perfect" but that is not enough to make me gain weight.  Does there have to be a reason? 

I look back at when the weight gain started and it was after a bad breakup in college (he cheated a billion times).  I lost weight when I was with him and we worked out together all the time.  When we broke up, I was depressed and stopped working out.  I gained weight slowly overtime.  When we broke up Junior year of college (2004) I was 140 pounds.  By the time I started grad school in 2005 I was 215 pounds.  Now, 6 years late, I am 255 pounds.  That is a 115 pound weight gain in 7 years - 16.5 pounds a year!  Now all the books and tv shows would say that I gained the weight because I wanted to hide in my body and not get hurt again.  Is this true?  Could it be true without me realizing it?  It might have been true for about a year after but I don't think it is true now.

Does there have to be a reason?  Couldn't it just be a result of years of untreated depression and anxiety?  I was not on any medication for my depression/anxiety until 2008.  Once the medication kicked in, I was a whole new person.  So why hasn't the weight fallen off since my mental status is much better?  Is it better and not fixed?

So I guess the answer is, I have no clue why I gained the weight and haven't been able to lose it.  I don't know why I turn to food and let it hurt me.  I don't know why I am letting my life go by so quickly with no change.  I get worried because the therapists say that you wont be able to keep the weight off until you understand why you put it on in the first place.  What if I can't figure it out?  Am I doomed?     


  1. Don't stress about that. I had a post similar to this when I first started my blog when I couldn't think of ANYTHING that could explain why I let myself gain so much weight. Then, through the course of losing weight, reading blogs & books, and taking care of myself I put the pieces together. I had an "ah-hah" moment where suddenly I realized why I'd let myself get to that place.

    You may not know why you let it happen, but be open to figuring it out and maybe it will come to you. :)

  2. i have one little idea and i don't think it the whole reason. i think you need a lot of stimulation - you like being "on" and having a good time. this isn't bad at all - out of all of the people i know i like being around you the best. i pretty much love everything you say and do. but i think when you have dips, get bored or sad, you crave some kind of excitement and that manifests itself with hunger. just a random guess though.

  3. Hey thanks Jan - that is a total possibility

  4. Boredom eating also lends itself to weight gain. Also, almost all meals eaten out are calorie bombs so if you eat out often, it's easy to pile on the weight if you aren't vigilant about what you are eating. I thought it was insane that a candy bar could be up to 500 calories.